Gold & Silver Forum - PREPAREDNESS TIPS - Homeland (in)Security Parody

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Are you ready for a terrorist attack? Use this comprehensive guide to protect yourself and your family against the most evil of evils - the unknown.

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<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td valign="top" width="62%"><table border="0" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="5" width="473"> <tbody><tr> <td valign="top" width="75">Features</td> <td valign="top" width="336">
</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="75">General:</td> <td valign="top" width="336">Things you should keep in mind whether there is a current attack or not. In peace and war, these tips will help your family remain safe and untouched by the evils of evil.</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="75">Biological:</td> <td valign="top" width="336">A tactical walkthrough for sufferers of a biological attack. Smallpox? Anthrax? Avoid the noid.</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="75">Chemical:</td> <td valign="top" width="336">What if the Al Qaeda drops beakers of hydrochloric acid over your town? Will you survive?</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="75">Nuclear:</td> <td valign="top" width="336">We're fairly sure that if there is a nuclear blast, we'll all die. Our lawyers tell us that if we don't put this section up and you live, you'll sue us.</td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top" width="75">What If?</td> <td valign="top" width="336">We know it's painful to imagine not living through an attack. The reality is that none of us know who will be saved and who will be cast aside. Weigh the odds in your favor.</td> </tr> </tbody></table>http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...upofpeople.jpgTogether, we can overcome evil.
United We Stand<sup>*</sup>

(But if there's a nuclear attack, it's every man for himself.)
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http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...ushsitting.jpg
��Yeah. Well, listen, I have a deep desire to protect America. I see the world the way it really is. I know things changed on September 11th. We're now a battlefield and I will lead this nation and our friends and allies, and defeat terror."

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GENERAL ATTACK PREPARATION.
Here are some tips that could turn an impending terrorist attack into an award ceremony for you!
<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="20" width="100%"><tbody><tr> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...gov/school.gifLandmarks.
Terrorists have a good sense of history and know where to strike. They generally target historical landmarks and tourist sites for their sentimental value and/or their statues on display of famous non-terrorists. If the Homeland Security Threat Level is at Severe or High, it is important that you stay away from landmarks such as the Hill Valley Courthouse. If you see someone suspicious mulling around a landmark, call the authorities. Stall the terrorist by asking for directions to Mecca.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...use_vs_car.gifUltimate Matchups.
Terrorists like to ask people questions about ultimate matchups. They for research. For example, one might come to you and ask "My main man, who would win in a fight between a two-story house and a Ford Taurus SE Wagon?" When a terrorist asks you something like this, pretend like you're thinking, then say "oh! I got it" while throwing your hands up, hitting him in the nose. Then roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/readydotgov/mask.gifDiversions.
Terrorists love the movie Dr. Giggles. Buy a few copies of this movie and keep it around the house in case of an attack on your family. Terrorists will be mesmerized by the movie, allowing you enough time to hogtie and report them.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table bgcolor="#ffffff" border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/readydotgov/food.gifNourishment.
Terrorizing tends to use up vital blood sugars. If you see a terrorist and he looks fatigued, offer him some food. Drive him back to your house and fix him a meal. While he is distracted with his fruit and soda, call the proper authorities. </td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table bgcolor="#ffffff" border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/readydotgov/water.gifRemain Calm.
Since it is important that you are calm during a terrorist attack, it is suggested that you have a few cocktails in you at any given time. This way, you'll be as smooth as Frank Sinatra. And Frankie was good at thwarting crime.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table bgcolor="#ffffff" border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re.../work_icon.gifStick to your Plan.
If you see a terrorist coming, apply glue to your hand. Then, when he is close enough, offer your hand to him and say it's nice to meet him. When he shakes your hand, he will be stuck to you - and then unable to carry out an attack.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table bgcolor="#ffffff" border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re.../clipboard.gifRecords.
Always keep a clipboard around with terrorism records. If a terrorist attacks your neighborhood, stall him by telling him he broke your curb-to-the-door record, or that he smashed the 5k-terrorism time. While he is signing and initialign next to his record, sneak up behind him and beat him with a sack of nickels. </td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#ffffff" valign="top" width="50%">
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BE PREPARED - Biological Attack
These are things to keep in mind before, during and after a biological attack.
<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td bgcolor="#0066cc" width="58%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="10" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...o_vis_resp.gifBiological terrorism effects your respiratory system, as well as your digestive system. Terrorists can commit many different acts of terrorism, including, but not limited to: placing spider eggs in Stouffer's Lasagna, putting sea monkies in the water supply, and dipping their balls in your milk. If you begin to feel sick to your stomach soon after eating, report the incident to the FBI immediately.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re..._vis_cover.gifIn case of a biological attack, do not use shirts or folded laundry to cover your face. Use three-ply toilet paper. If it's good enough for your ass, it's good enough for your face.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...o_vis_wash.gifIf you see someone washing their hands and then using the telephone, call the FBI immediately (after they get done with their call). Washing of the hands generally indicates recent biologically-attackful behavior. Remain calm and act casual, yet focused. Remember, this could have been the person that dipped his balls in your milk.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re..._vis_leave.gifProducts with the orange biohazard logo are safe for consumption and use. This includes medical waste and Pam Cooking Spray. If a can does not have the orange logo on it, do not use it.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re..._vis_towns.gifIf you live in the United States, your designated biological attack medical centers are located in: Missouri. There are three, in the areas shown. If you have been poisoned as an effect of a biological attack, drive to one of these centers.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> <td valign="top" width="37%">
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Hazardous Materials Incidents by Transportation

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Mode of
Transporation

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Number of
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Associated
Deaths

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Associated
Injuries

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AIR

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1,220

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153

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HIGHWAY

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41,781

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1,569

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RAILWAY

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7,886

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423

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WATER

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OTHER

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TOTAL

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50,999

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2,182

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Hazardous Materials Incidents by Transportation Mode (totals, 1983 thru 1990)

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http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...v/smarmguy.jpg"I used to be afraid of biological threats. But now, there isn't a terrorist alive that could dip his balls in my milk."

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BE PREPARED - Chemical Attack
There are specific things to know about a chemical attack. This guide will help you remain calm and safe.
<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="432"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="10" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td valign="top" width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...chem_choke.gifIf you ever choke on colors, you may be taking LSD. LSD will help you taste color, smell emotions and see sound. If everyone took LSD, there would be no terrorism. This has very little to do with chemical attacks.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re..._chem_fish.gifNever order fish from a restaurant on Sunday or Monday. Generally, the fish stores are closed those days, so you know that you are eating fish that is at least two days old. This has nothing to do with chemical attacks, but terrorists tend to push you into buying the fish specials in fancy restaurants on Sunday and Monday. </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...s_chem_lab.gifIt is difficult to get a master's degree in Chemistry. For this reason, terrorists generally end up quitting half way through their degree, and then leave their chemist's sets lying around. If you see a chemistry set abandoned somewhere, a chemical attack may be imminent. Report it immediately.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...chem_medic.gifIf you are wounded in a chemical attack, a well-mannered Native American may drag you near his tent and heal you. Indians are nice people and they use organic healing methods. They will also bind your spirit with an animal's to ensure that you have a protector in the afterlife.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...m_affected.gifIf you are experiencing rashes or irritation in the eyes, you may have Syphilis. This is what you get from having sex with a terrorist. You can also look forward to thick discharge during urination, blindness and dementia. Congratulations - now you're a terrorist.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> </tr> </tbody></table>

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chem

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chem
chem
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Differences between Mustard Gas and French's Mustard

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MG) Mustard gas refers to several manufactured chemicals, including sulfur mustard, that do not occur naturally in the environment. It looks brown and has a garlic-like smell.
FM) French's Mustard uses only No. 1 grade mustard seed in their mustards, harvested at just the right moment when the seed is fully developed, to deliver smooth body and full flavor.
MG) Mustard gas has been used in chemical warfare and was made in large amounts during World Wars I and II. It was reportedly used in the Iran-Iraq war in 1980�1988. It is not presently used in the United States, except for research purposes, and the U.S. Department of Defense must destroy all remaining stocks of mustard gas by 2004.
FM) At the 1904 World's Fair, America's love affair with their Classic Yellow Mustard began. Today, nearly a century later, "America's Favorite Mustard" has grown to become a family of four equally exciting flavors with the addition of Hearty Deli Brown, Dijon and Honey Mustard. Backed by the power of America's No. 1 mustard brand in tabletop, retail and back-of-house, every flavor of French's Mustard carries the big brand appeal today's customers demand.

How might I be exposed to Mustard Gas?

Mustard gas is no longer made in the United States and is only stored at a few military storage sites; therefore, the general public is not exposed to mustard gas.
Individuals working at or living near these military storage sites may be exposed to mustard gas if there was an accidental spill or unplanned release.
Occupational exposures are currently limited to soldiers in some combat situations; those involved in its shipment, storage, or disposal; and construction workers at storage sites.

How might I be exposed to French's Mustard?

Mustard is a picnic favorite - check for it in a picnic basket near you. You can try it on sandwiches, with fries, or with honey BBQ wings!
Individuals working at or living near a supermarket can purchase Franch's Mustard in their condiments isle, usually near the ketchup.
Occupational exposures are currently limited to professional eaters, food testers and workers at related production and distribution companies.
http://www.frenchsmustard.com

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http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re.../allsmiles.jpg"Do you know what happiness tastes like? We do - it tastes like one-thousand trumpets in unison, played by an army of angels."

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BE PREPARED - Nuclear Attack
Sure, you're toast - but in 2,000 years, your country will be inhabitable again. Run toward the light.
<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#0066cc" width="58%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="10" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...vis_shield.gifIf there is a nuclear attack, it will look nothing like the picture at left. Most likely, you will be going about your day, and all of the sudden, there will be a bright flash. Then, you and everyone in your immediate hemisphere will be sand. But it helps to imagine that this is what a nuclear attack looks like.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...c_vis_time.gifThere is a specific amount of time one can remain living after a nuclear attack. Subjected to nuclear fallout, a full-sized man can last 4.5 minutes. Wearing long pants helps. Women and children will be instantly made into soup, so don't get them excited about your extra 4.5 minutes.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...losed_door.gifIf you are in a building during a nuclear attack, notice how warm and smooth the doors become. This is actually not the doors themselves, but your cells' walls rupturing and your insides bleeding together. Soon, your eyes will melt and you won't be worrying about exit doors.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...s_dont_run.gifIf you are on fire during a nuclear attack, it's probably because of your rayon shirt. You knew rayon was flammable, but you wore it anyway, didn't you?</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...vis_family.gifIf your face melts off as a result of a nuclear attack, don't whine about it. Chances are that everyone elses' have too. Finally, we'll live in a society that is not based on looks, much like Stevie Wonder's. Please tell your child to not wear capri pants.</td> </tr> <tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re..._vis_shout.gifRave whistles work just as well as shout-outs during a nuclear attack. Give big ups to your homies, especially those that have already passed on. Alternatively, feel free to yell "oh shit," "nooooooooooo," or "we're all gonna die!" The third is appropriate because it's true.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> <td valign="top" width="37%">
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Blast Effects of a 1-Mt Explosion
8,000 Feet Above the Earth's Surface

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<center> <table height="408" width="365"> <tbody><tr> <td colspan="2" align="center" height="30" valign="top" width="114">Distance from ground zero</td> <td rowspan="2" align="center" height="50" valign="top" width="67">Peak overpressure</td> <td rowspan="2" align="center" height="50" valign="top" width="38">Peak wind velocity</td> <td rowspan="2" align="center" height="50" valign="top" width="120">Typical blast effects</td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" height="16" valign="top" width="46">(miles)</td> <td align="center" height="16" valign="top" width="62">(km)</td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" height="45" valign="top" width="46">.8</td> <td align="center" height="45" valign="top" width="62">1.3</td> <td align="center" height="45" valign="top" width="67">20 psi</td> <td align="center" height="45" valign="top" width="38">470</td> <td align="right" height="45" valign="top" width="120">Everything is reduced to sand and jelly..</td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" height="72" valign="top" width="46">3.0</td> <td align="center" height="72" valign="top" width="62">4.8</td> <td align="center" height="72" valign="top" width="67">10 psi</td> <td align="center" height="72" valign="top" width="38">290</td> <td align="right" height="72" valign="top" width="120">Most factories and commercial buildings are collapsed. No more Denny's Diner.</td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" height="96" valign="top" width="46">4.4</td> <td align="center" height="96" valign="top" width="62">7.0</td> <td align="center" height="96" valign="top" width="67">5 psi</td> <td align="center" height="96" valign="top" width="38">160</td> <td align="right" height="96" valign="top" width="120">Typical residences are destroyed. Heavier construction is severely damaged. Denny's may remain standing and open.</td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" height="77" valign="top" width="46">5.9</td> <td align="center" height="77" valign="top" width="62">9.5</td> <td align="center" height="77" valign="top" width="67">3 psi</td> <td align="center" height="77" valign="top" width="38">95</td> <td align="right" height="77" valign="top" width="120">Severe damage to residences. Winds sufficient to kill people in the open.</td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" height="44" valign="top" width="46">11.6</td> <td align="center" height="44" valign="top" width="62">18.6</td> <td align="center" height="44" valign="top" width="67">1 psi</td> <td align="center" height="44" valign="top" width="38">35</td> <td align="right" height="44" valign="top" width="120">Damage to structures, people endangered by flying glass and debris. Girls cease going wild.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </center>

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bio

biohttp://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...omanad_250.jpg

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http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...v/guytired.jpg"Christ, my brain is leaking out of my nose again. Hasn't it been 4.5 minutes yet?"

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WHEN PREPARATION ISN'T ENOUGH.
Sometimes an attack cannot be stopped or planned for. Here are a few other things to keep in mind:
Receiving Salvation:

<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="20" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...l_vis_dust.gifAccepting Death.
If you are trapped beneath rubble, don't squirm around or agitate the dust around you. If you were meant to live, you would be living. Since you are trapped under rubble, you've probably earned it through selfishness or impure thoughts. Karma is a bitch. Lie still and accept death. You're going to a better place.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...pl_vis_kit.gifSaints & Angels.
A saint will appear to you once you have died. He or she will lead you out of your body. Then, an angel will be appointed to you as your theological counsel. The angel will give you paperwork to fill out and then refer you to the closest baptism center for cleansing.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffff" width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re..._drop_roll.gifBaptism.
This process happens to everyone, whether you had been previously baptized or not. Acknowledge the Saint in front of you, kneel, and then roll through the waters that flow around you. They are blessed by the hand of God.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> <td bordercolor="#000000" bgcolor="#0066cc" valign="top" width="50%"> <table bgcolor="#ffffff" border="0" cellpadding="10" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td width="100%">http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re..._vis_smoke.gifFinding the Way.
You will be greeted by God in the form of a booming voice coming from a cloud. Proclaim His goodness. He will then guide you to your place in His Kingdom. Stay low, continue to sing his praises, and stay alert.</td> </tr> </tbody></table> </td> </tr> </tbody></table>

http://www.blackmarketkittens.com/re...ptoppeople.jpg"Those foolish Muslims can't hurt us in the Kingdom of God."

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